the joys of summer.

summer so far... is okay.

...

volunteer at the library was fun and exciting the first week. but then the next week came and i got tired of it. six more weeks to go? five? aha :] i guess i should start a count down.

basketball is same as usual. i like it better this year, though. coach chu gets more angry with me, but yay im jv captain and super excited for season. i have this feeling that jv is going to do amazing :]

and my birthday is comming up! im so excited for that. oh yes. :] i invited lots of people, but probably less than half will come. whatever :] as long as they have fun, ill have fun. :D

anyway, now i waste my days watching asian dramas and playing with my dog, who seems to be the only living thing in my household that actually understands me. at least my dad tries. hes like the middle man between my mom and i.

sigh.

i dont understand her. oh well. she probably doesnt understand me either.

starting new

hmm... so im starting this thing where i write a blog a day. or try to. :

life is alright i guess. theres so much i want to say. so much i want to do. but i feel like i dont have the strength to do anything. im venting out all the anger, stress, and sadness that ive held in throughout my life. i just dont know what to do anymore.

i feel like i just dont matter. to ANYONE. to my parents, my sister, my friends even. or most of them. some are true friends, and you know who you are. thankyou for that :]

so heres what happened today: i went to a class committee meeting... then i get grouned. for being "out too late." it was 8:30. if that isnt retarted, then i dont know what is. im grounded for a month. A MONTH. summer is just about to start. i was supposed to go to the movies thursday, visit my old school wednesday, hang out with people friday, go to the beach tuesday, and have my birthday party. but i guess i cant do anything. im so pissed.

well - okay, some of it IS my fault. like the fact that my room is a mess. it always is. sorry, i just live like that. if you think my room is messy, take a look at my backpack. wait, dont. i dumped everything out on the floor of my bedroom :]. also, i didnt tell them what time the meeting would be over, but i DID call them. doesnt that count? and i guess you can say that my parents wake up super early to go to work, but i had a ride home. they wouldnt have had to stay up. they could have been sleeping.

so basically, i dont understand why i am grounded.

i am just incredibly stubborn. its okay if you hate me for that - i hate myself for that. but its just who i am.

*sigh*

now im writing about nothing. theres so much i want to say. but i just dont say it. i wish i did. i wish i could say the things i want to. i wish i could be the person i want to. i wish i could make my parents proud and sister happy and friends happy. i really wish that. i wish that i could tell my family how much i loved them. how much i care about them. how i would die for them, or suffer for them, or work for them, or not sleep for them. i want them to be happy. i love them so much, yet i still act like a jerk to them.

why do i do that?

im such an idiot. i just ruin their happiness - the exact opposite of what i want.

i honestly think that without my friends, right now, i would have lost it. "it" as in my mental stability. not go crazy, but emo. or "emotional". whatever you want to call it. my friends keep me going. they make me happy again. i love them as only a friend can love. you may not know it, but you guys mean the world to me. life would not be the same without each and every one of you. thank you for that :] really.

okay, so im guess im done. or not, but i think whoever is reading this is tired of hearing me complain. :]

hopefully my new goal of "posting every day" will work